Well that sucks....

Today: Another failure. But will I let it break me? That's the question that I am constantly having to ask myself. My answer for today: Hell no! I have lived too much to let this speed bump take me down. I am who God made me to be. For better or worse. It is a constant battle to be the person that I want to be, though. Each time I get knocked down, I would like to give up and let the current drag me down into the deep abyss. I think I've earned a nice place there. But alas, my struggle continues and I will fight harder and stronger than any one of you has ever seen before. It is in my nature to kick and scream until I make it work.

But what am I fighting for? Do I have anything left to give? It is one thing after the other... can't I catch a break? Honestly, I bring it all on myself. I have never given myself time to heal before I move on to my next project. It's my turn now. I am the project that I so desperately need to work on. The most incredible feelings have washed over me this week. A sense of peace. A temporary calm of the storm in which I can see the light urging me to come home. It might take months... hopefully not years, but one day, I will overcome all of the hurt others have done to me that I refuse to let go of. But only by the grace of God. For now I will seek a place in his kingdom and revel in his plans for me. It's the least I can do for Him, given all the wonderful life lessons he continues to bestow upon me.

I am grateful for an open heart and open mind as I seek what is meant for my life.

The Time Has Come.

These trials and tribulations have made me who I am. Someone unafraid to work hard, to sacrifice, and to endure. My struggles have made me compassionate and empathetic to those around me. If all I can do is make sure that I am open and available to those in need, under any circumstance, then that is where you will find me. I am not without faults: I am broken. I am emotional. I am scared. I will never claim to be something I am not. I will never settle for content. This world is too big and too full of pain for me to enjoy my life for one minute while I see people that suffer around me daily.

Soon I will have my degree and a fullfilling career. I have a beautiful daughter that means the world to me. I have wonderful and caring friends and family, that without, I would not be where or who I am today. These are the things that drive me to strive for more. I will never fix this world and I may not ever change a single life in my time here, but I do know that I will never quit trying until the last breath leaves my body.

Amidst all of the pain and heartache I have endured over the last twenty-five years, I wouldn't change a thing. I am strong and I can take care of myself. I have my moments of humility and pride is not what makes me tick. I mess up. I say and do the wrong things. I stumble when things get just a little bit too hard. But I will always stand up and fight when it matters. I will fight for me. I will fight for my daughter. And most importantly, I will fight for God's grace that has kept me going for this long.

It is a tragic plea made with a meek voice: God, please help me through each day. I have been lost and terrified that no one can or will find me. But day by day, I see less tears fall. I see more joy than sadness. I feel my bleeding heart begin to scab over, praying for the day that I will no longer feel the pinpricks of a lost childhood and lost love. One day I will find my place in this world. It's not today. It will probably not be tomorrow. But one day.... the time has come.